Order Now

 

 

 

The following story is NOT in my book.

...just thought it would give you, the reader, an idea of the style of

Lady's Hands, Lion's Heart. Enjoy!

 

My Testimonial for the STAT-PAD

by Carol Leonard, NH Certified Midwife

 

            I have been sent some sample STAT-PADS to use in my birth center to see if I like them enough to replace our traditional Chux pads for deliveries. We have a young woman laboring in the birthing pool, so I open a sample pad and place it on the bed that I am readying for her.

            “What’s that?” asks Monica, another midwife who is helping me.

            “Oh, that’s some new high tech, space age pad that’s supposed to have super absorbent qualities,” I reply. “It says it can absorb up to 60 pounds of body fluids or something like that.”

            Monica eyes the pad suspiciously.

            “We’re not going to put it to that kind of test are we?”

            I stop what I am doing.

            “Well, no, actually, sixty pounds of fluid would be quite, um, dead, wouldn’t it?”

            Monica shudders.

            “Want to just use a Chux?”

            “No, no. We can branch out,” I say. “We can expand our horizons. It’s a new millennium.”

            As it turns out, the young woman labors in that bed for a short while but doesn’t end up delivering in that room. When I return to the room early the next morning to clean up, I see that the pad only has a couple of tiny spots of amniotic fluid on it, so I decide to wash it and re-use it since they cost $11.00 a piece. I throw it in the washer with the sheets.

            (What can I say here? It’s genetic. I have a long heritage of Old Yankee Thrift coursing through my veins. I can’t fight it.)

            As I am tidying up the kitchenette, I hear our commercial washer make a terrible noise. The only way I can describe it is it’s a mechanical version of a loud groan. I think this is odd, but keep working until it groans again. This time it sounds really bad.

            “Oh my god! That thing! That pad!” I deduce cleverly as I run to the laundry room.

            Our washer is a commercial front loading model with a glass door. I look in the door and see what now looks like a white baby elephant inside. A bloated, swollen, doughy baby elephant. I get the door on a cycle where I can open it and try to pick the thing up. Too heavy. I have to sit on the floor to pull the thing towards me. Sixty pounds, my ass. This seems like it weighs closer to 100.

            All of a sudden, the baby elephant breaks free of the door and explodes on top of me, knocking me over on my back. I am covered by a 100 pound mass of gelatinous, slimy, space-age mystery material. Soaking wet, I manage to slide free and get one of my husband’s utility-duty garbage bags. I stuff the thing in the bag and drag it by walking backwards out to my Jeep. I am going to ditch the thing at the Hopkinton dump.

            I wave at Bobby, our old and wizened Dump Master, as I drive up to the trash compactor. I drag the bag from my car to the building, but I don’t have the strength to hoist the bag up over the side of the lip. Old Bobby comes over and gives me a hand, and we both heave it over.

            We stand there watching it slide down to the crusher.

            “Dead body?” he asks.

            “Oh shut up, Bobby. Jesus.” I say as I walk away.

~)(~

 

It's super easy to ORDER through the PayPal link. Orders are fulfilled immediately and are sent bookrate.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT!

 

Lady's Hands, Lion's Heart ~ A Midwife's Saga

A BAD BEAVER FARM TRADE PAPERBACK
ISBN: 978-0-615-19550-6
Trim size: 5.5" x 8.5", 368 pages
Price: US $15.00